While writing about addiction some time ago, I started to feel something uncomfortable on my own back. Strange how, when one dig into a life question like ‘where do I escape to?’, that one finds the problem highlighted in one’s own life. And because of bringing that situation to the surface, I realised how easily we can be entrapped by addiction without realising it. Maybe it is not a bad idea to probe one’s own heart more often – Psalm 139:23-24
Therefore, I’m writing this article from my own journey, to show you how addiction can sneakily find a foothold in your life or as the metaphor goes, a monster can set up camp on your back.
Do not love the world [of sin that opposes God and His precepts], nor the things that are in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the lust and sensual craving of the flesh and the lust and longing of the eyes and the boastful pride of life [pretentious confidence in one’s resources or in the stability of earthly things]—these do not come from the Father, but are from the world. The world is passing away, and with it its lusts [the shameful pursuits and ungodly longings]; but the one who does the will of God and carries out His purposes, lives forever. 1 John 2:15-17 (MSG)
My life was looking good. I was on my way to become that which I believed God has called me for. But in my prideful confidence, I’ve set a timetable for when I believed this calling should come to fruition. How selfishly arrogant. I guess this was where the problem started. But I could not see it, as I was fearful of not achieving something concrete in my life before turning forty. I’ve even written about this chase to achieve something before a certain point in life – Onvoltooide lewe.
Still, with pride, I waited for the Lord to fulfil my plan on my terms and time. But when it did not happen as I envisioned it, I got frustrated. How is it possible that God did not work according to my timeframe? This frustration grew into despondency, and despondency became a sense of failure. Like I totally failed in what I set out to achieve.
Looking back on this journey, I’m so embarrassed to repeat that he actually gave me something else to focus on while I was still being prepared for this other calling. But instead of throwing all my weight and energy into that, I started looking back at something that just hatched right here on my back – a little monster.
With the feeling of failure lingering, the devil dropped a question right in front of me. Am I good enough to do this? Am I good enough to be used by the Almighty in His plan for the redemption of creation. I can’t even get to where I want to be on my own schedule or achieve that which I honestly believed God has called me for. And for a moment I looked down a dark spiral – I believed the lie, and it sucked me right down. And here is the twist. That happens more often than we want to admit. We get a day where we question our mission or purpose in life, when we feel down. Beware!! because it become dangerous when we don’t acknowledge that this idea or feeling is not from the One who created us. If we don’t lean on the truth of what God says about us, but give in to the feeling of despair, we are susceptible to take the half-truth as if it is the complete truth. And like that I picked up a lie that the devil wanted me to take, so he can keep me from living the purpose and plan that God has placed neatly in front of me, for that exact season.
So, feeling like a failure, instead of going to the Truth giver, probably because I was a little angry at Him for not helping me with my plans, I escaped into TV and social media, in an attempt to make this feeling go away. Cause when I feel like a failure, I can watch other people achieve something and it will make me feel good, almost like it is my achievement – MAJOR MISTAKE. You don’t achieve anything watching TV or social media.
And with that I started feeding a little monster that spawned as a lie of inadequacy. Instead of killing this little monster immediately, I kept him right here on my back. The sad thing is that I hid him with excuses and more lies. It is not that bad; it is not like I’m hurting anybody. I’m still getting to what I believe is required of me. It went on and on for some time. This little monster grew and wanted more and more of my time. I became entitled with a false sense of achievement, while I was actually only doing what I wanted thinking that it was good enough for God.
Till the day I realised I became so self-absorbed with my own false sense of achievement, that pride set in. Self-righteous pride is something from my past that has kept me from living the purpose and plan God has for me. Wanting to do things in my own way and for my own purpose.
Praise the Lord for revealing His truth to me in time. Thank you, Holy Spirit for bringing to my attention what I was busy doing! Thank you, Jesus, for coming to earth and showing me how to live! Thank you, Father for still believing in me!
I read the following verses and it hit me between the eyes. If Jesus did not even follow his own agenda and plan, how can I believe that I will be able to do it?
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-8 (ESV)
In that moment I laid my life down again and humbled myself before the almighty God. He does have a plan for me and know exactly when it will come to fruition. I ask His forgiveness for my arrogance and self-righteous pride. I asked him to forgive me for escaping to worldly things instead of running into His grace. More, I actually confessed to my wife as well, so she could pray for me. I was redeemed and restored in that moment and today I can write to you that humbling yourself before God is an intentional and ongoing activity. He redeems and restores us to His brilliant glory, in His epic story, way better than we can dream or imagine.
That monster is dead now, but I know definitely that if I’m not careful another little lie can spawn another little monster. Live in the TRUTH of our Master Jesus Christ.
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